I miss the old complete freedom. But I had complete freedom in Brussels and Berlin and was miserable all the time. There is a purity to being completely alone, in cold air and icy mountains. So perhaps I just have to mix the two. Thomas Mann was a gay man trapped in a conventional marriage but he loved his wife so much. Gustav von Aschenbach was a gay man trapped in a conventional marriage but he loved his wife so much. Oscar Wilde was a gay man trapped in a conventional marriage but he loved his wife so much. I am not gay. I just like to live the life of the cock. Pure Priapism. Pornography and Prostitution, every day, every minute. It is not going away. Writing, drinking, classical music, ferns, pornography and prostitution. This is purity. Marriage is not. Marriage is clogging everything up, imprisoning. Yet I had decades of purity and I was in despair and pain all the time because I yearned for love. I fell in love with one unobtainable woman after another and died of a broken heart a million times, until I fell in love with one unobtainable woman and she fell in love with me back. The despair and pain are a thing of the past, I cannot even remember what they feel like, and I yearn for the purity of the cold air and the icy mountains. So let us mix the two. It is good to be separated from the one you love. I was unhappy as soon as I set off for Brussels and Berlin, but I was yearning for my love, and I could not wait to see her again. This was a good feeling, I need to travel more and feel this more. Rather than being with her all the time and yearning for freedom. I always want the opposite of what I have got. From one pole to the other, this is always the movement of my life, of my soul, of my heart, of my libido. This oscillating is what keeps my mechanism in motion and producing electricity. If this movement is stopped I become clogged up and I stagnate and start to rot in my own juices. For cleanliness and health, I need to be allowed to swing from the loving bosom of —–, to the most rampant purifying pornography and prostitution. I must allow myself this, and I must institute it. If she will allow it, then all for the good, if she will not allow it then I cannot blame her. Today we are together buying ferns. I must start my one day trips to Vienna and Berlin and Munich as soon as possible. I do not have the money. I have no money in my bank. I have no spending money but I have to go.
The Stripper 