Just asked the bar lady for a third large Stella

Just asked the bar lady for a third large Stella. She said nothing at all, just raised her eyebrows for a few seconds, then wordlessly went to pour it. Three large Stellas is not so excessive, surely? This is only the START of my day. I’ll be going to at least two other bars after this, plus a can or two in the porn cinema. Halfway through my third large Stella and only 2PM. Will I or will I not have sexual relations on this, my final trip to Brussels of the year, and indeed of the whole 17-19 period? I have, after all, made one pilgrimage on this trip to the site of the hotel Van Gogh stayed in while living in Brussels, 72 Boulevard du Midi (only as it was about 50 yards from Le Coin, ha ha). Let my book Brussels in the Years of Recapitalisation be the standard work on whoring in Brussels in the years 2017-19. With almost no mention of the voluminous window girls of the Rue d’Aerschot. Sitting in Fifth Avenue last night, however quiet it was, I did think to myself “I’ve NO desire for Rue d’Aerschot.”

In the old days that would really have been good because I had nothing else

In the old days that would really have been good because I had nothing else. My travels are just about eating, drinking & whoring now. No longer do I care about Nefertiti or Caravaggio or the Ishtar Gate. My mind has been completely eaten away by the serpent of sex. I am never going to spend another night in Brussels again. This is it. When I say farewell this time it will be for good. The answering cry of good riddance will no doubt be just as forceful. So depressing it robs me of all energy to even go to Berlin but that would mean staying another two nights in Brussels. I have no choice. I must press on. The two nights in Berlin are already paid for. Although by not going I will save the £250 in train fares—but I must go, to find some excitement. My hotel room is one of the biggest disappointments. No notepaper. No music channels on TV. I press on in search of adventure and inspiration. My sight of Justice was necessarily remote this time. What a blessing the Euros I was to use for Tallulah and Esmeralda in Brussels are already filling my pocket ready to use in Berlin. That is why I am glad I took a picture of Bourse on the way home last night. Money is linked to Eros as I have expounded at some length before. We should take the rough with the smooth and battle through, that is my feeling. But she always chucked me when the going got tough, for —, for the ———, for someone else last year I am sure, maybe now again because I have come to Brussels for three nights, despite her telling me to go. It is good to go away from someone you love for a while. To remind yourself how much you need them and how much you love them and how important they really are to you. But I never feel I can be really close to someone and always think she is going to leave me again. Loneliness and solitude are so important to me. They define who I am and in a very great degree define who I want to be. Without loneliness I lose myself. It may be this pressure will always push us apart and destroy us and mean we are not the right ones for each other. But I will always love her and need her more than anything else in the world. If she leaves me I will be an empty husk till the end of my days. I have become such a connoisseur of Tallulah & Esmeralda that now only the finest will satisfy me. I search in vain for that one special experience which eludes me almost permanently now it seems. There was maybe a couple more places in Brussels I could have gone, but I was aware that Berlin is to come, and Berlin is usually a better investment for one’s money. Travel is the most important thing but the reality of what I find in each city now disappoints me. It is still important for the quality of loneliness and solitude it provides me. For that it still feels worth its weight in gold. What was exotic has now become commonplace. Replacing exotic with erotic as you wish. I am the most silent man I know, and she is the loudest woman I know. Her life excites me and draws me to her, and my peace and calmness draws me to her. It however is not enough to keep us together perhaps. What I love about Brussels is it rains all the time. But no one bothers with umbrellas. Like now. People just pull their hoods up and get on with it or walk bareheaded like nothing is happening. This I respect. Enormously. No one bothers about the rain. It is just like the air they breathe, perfectly natural! Do they even have brollies in Brussels. I don’t think I have ever seen one. Ah finally. After watching 600 people walk regardless in the rain, I see my first umbrella. —— is the alpha & omega of my life.